I have been really down the last couple days and I could not really get what was going on. COVID has made life really interesting, but I have come out mostly on top, I have already started working full time back at Hejny Rental. Which is where I am going to stay for a while till things settle down. But missing out on school and college has been rough, but I have stayed busy enough to keep going and figure it all out. But when I had therapy on Tuesday we were talking a lot about different things that are happening in my life and it got on the topic of Death and how scared I am of the idea of dying.
I think without having a religious background anymore that I do not find any comfort in the idea of any sort of afterlife, so that has been weighing on my mind a lot recently, for what ever reason that is. I think it is something to do with my grandparents dying in the last couple years and missing them more then I could ever tell anyone. But I really have no idea what happens, other than any time I think about it I have a panic attack and have no idea how to breath anymore. So that has been fun to have to work though the last week or two.
Another reason I was thinking I was sad was because I am graduating college, I official finished all of my course work on Sunday as I went into this finals week. But because of everything I was missing out on everything that comes with graduating. I honestly do not miss any of the celebrations that I am missing, I did not really want to walk. I am still so sad that Grandma did not make it to see me here where I am. That was what broke me the most when she died was seeing her at all my sisters and cousins graduations. So I am really missing her with everything going on. So I know that is not helping me out during all of this.
But the reason that I have found to be the most important reason for being as sad as I have been is that I was the closest I had ever been to killing myself a year ago today. I just realized that yesterday was that it was another one of my anniversary. I have talked about it all before, so I will not go into the details. But I will go into the idea that I do not know if that was the best outcome a year ago.
The easy answer is it was totally worth it. I am so happy that I am still alive and able to do the things that I have done in the past year. The friends that I have made and the people that I have been able to hang out and enjoy life with. Being able to continue to grow as a person and figure out who I want to be. Something that I work weekly on because I have no idea who I want to be or what I want to do. Something my therapist I am sure is getting annoyed to always talk about. Plus life is pretty amazing to be able to live and experience everything that is around me. The people I have been able to work with and help build up in whatever way that I can. One of my teammates after our last game this past year thanked me for being the role model I was, something I was not even meaning to do, I just cared that much. Things like that I would have missed out on. Things I never knew where even there.
But another part of me does not know if it was worth it to keep living after that night. All the nights crying and being alone. The nights of pain and hurt that I have caused to my family as they have had to watch me struggle to stay alive. I have not been suicidal since last year, almost one whole year of being suicidal free. I think that is important to say as I talk about all this. I guess it is a lot of philosophic kind of thinking, but I do not know the value of myself being alive still. In therapy I talk a lot of shame and how I do not think I am worth being the center of the conversation. It just is hard because I do not think I have anything to share with anyone. I will always listen to anyone who needs someone to listen. But I will almost never use someone for the same reason. I know that is still the depressed part of my brain that makes me think I am not worth enough to be alive. The afternoons of watching tv with friends and passing a rugby ball make me happy I am around. But a part of me still wishes I died that night for how ever messed up that sounds.
I just do not know where life goes from here. I am going to keep on living whatever life that I have to live. But with everything good that is happening, I just think it is important to see that life is still so messed up. Btu that messed up part of life is okay to have. I am excited to see what I can do with my life in the next couple months and life has thrown some interesting curves in to my life that I never thought would happen. I am hoping this overall sadness ends soon, because I hate feeling this way all the time. I hate it
Mental Health in Life 